Hey here’s my life story

1991 - In Castle Rock, Colorado, a young woman shrieks in pain.

1992 - I develop a lifetime affinity for comfy beds.

1993 - I sleep and eat a lot. This goes on.

1994 - I find my mother's guitar.

1995 - I develop a habit of peeing in inappropriate places.

1996 - My kindergarten teacher is a saint.

1997 - My mother makes me a dragon piñata and my father makes me a wooden sword to slay it.

1998 - Dad moves the family to Portland, Oregon. It rained the day we flew in and never stopped raining.

1999 - My teacher hates boys and claims I have ADHD. My parents tell her to piss off.

2000 - The world does not end. I get into trouble for writing offensive song lyrics in my journal.

2001 - Mrs. Jones pulls a tooth out of my head without me feeling it. This is when I begin believing in magic. I also develop a rare but wild nervous habit called Trichotillomania.

2002 - I transfer to a different school: St. Pius X Catholic Church Middle School. My best friend informs me he has a girlfriend. I do not know what this means for us. Also, I begin listening to rock music.

2003 - I am expelled from St. Pius X for listening to rock music. I transfer to the local public middle school. I end up meeting some of the best friends and teachers I'll ever have.

2004 - I pick back up my mother's guitar. My life is changed forever.

2005 - Against all common sense, I apply and am accepted to the local Catholic high school. This actually ends up being one of my better decisions. We do sports well.

2006 - I play more guitar and start thinking I'm pretty hot shit.

2007 - I start acting, form life-long friendships, and decide I'm going to be a rock-star as an adult.

2008 - I capitalize on my rock-star dreams and am accepted to the Berklee College of Music. My parents say we can't afford it. I go to the University of Oregon instead. I hadn't applied anywhere else.

2009 - My dorm is so small i can sit on my bed and put my legs on my roommates bed.

2010 - I move back to Portland to study film and music. I rent a house with a bunch of musicians. We saved money by keeping the heaters off. I am still cold.

2011 - I return to the University of Oregon and apply to the music school. I turn it down. I apply to the business school and turn it down. I start making films. I decide I'll do journalism like my grandfather.

2012 - I land on advertising. It's fun even though I'm convinced corporate America is the root of all evil. This opinion changes later.

2013 - Now I'm a Super Senior. I'm given both a scholarship and an award for my copywriting. I end up unemployed after getting my diploma.

2014 - I still can't find a job. Confidence annihilated.

2015 - I work at Mutt Industries under an industry legend. I pull all nighters. I make a cartoon.

2016 - I move in with a drummer. We make a band. We make music. I live the dream. Then I decide to move to New York City on a whim. I leave my girlfriend of six years, my job, my band, and my hometown. Before my plane takes off, my father texts me "now the adventure begins, Bilbo Baggins."

2017 - I spend an entire year as a freelance musician and writer. The freedom illuminates me. The lack of structure destroys me.

2018 - The adventure continues, Bilbo Baggins. I work tons of different jobs, get a bunch of experience, and fall back in love with advertising.

2019 - I didn’t achieve my New Year’s resolutions. Which WAS my resolution, so… there.

2020 - I went freelance, and then COVID happened. It’s all COVID’s fault.

2021 - I didn’t get COVID.

2022 - I got COVID.

2023 - I wanted to buy a house. I did not.

2024 - Austin is hot as shit and I’m moving back to New York.